The giver of Life and Death
by Bolinlover123
Summary: In which Mako wonders why he has to wield the same power that destroyed their lives. Why every time he lights his hand ablaze, he must be cursed with the images of an evil firebender, with flames just like his own- that might as well be his own- burning his mother and father. Why can't he be free like his brother? His father had told him that fire was Life- but he was wrong.


For the countless time in the last ten years, he stares at his blazing fingertips with a mixture of awe and anguish, pride and self-loathing, all burning together in the pit of his stomach, each spark like a beat of his heart, breaking, breaking, breaking….but the earth will steady him- it has kept him grounded for all this time.

He stares at his gleaming hands, wishing that the heat dancing on his gloved-palms would burn him, and wonders why he had to be a firebender- wonders why fire had to be the power that gave him energy to fight, and warmth to stop the shivers, the ability to work, to cook, the power to _protect, _the will to strive to live, when fire was the very thing that destroyed their lives in the first place. It gave him life, but only after showing him death.

Their parents had been non-benders-hadn't stood a change against a sadistic, evil, firebender. He wants to ask the Spirits why-if they would even listen to him- why, why, _WHY,_ nearly a year after tragedy struck, did he have to discover, he had the ability to wield this same, evil power-one that gives him nightmares, screaming bloody murder in the dead hours of darkness, only to be soothed and rocked by his little brother- this same power that took away all they loved.

He knows he needs the fire to protect his brother, to be able to do all the things in order to survive, and this heat makes it easier. But why, why couldn't he have been an _earthbender_? The two of them thought Bolin was going to be a non-bender; the poor younger boy had tried and tried, but couldn't produce a single flame or float one little pebble from the ground, until he was eleven. And Mako had been proud-so, so, proud of his little brother because he knew he had it in him the whole time, and he had secretly prayed to any Spirit that he still dared to believe in, that if Bolin was indeed eventually a bender, that he took after their mother's side of the family and was and _earth. _He didn't think he could stay sane if both them were fire; how cursed would they have to be, to both bend evil, both bend the sickening heat that burned Mommy and Daddy alive?

That's what fire had meant for them for that first horrid year of fighting for survival; evil, destruction, death, Mommy and Daddy's burnt bodies.

Then, one day, when a seven-year old Bolin had been getting beaten up- _rage,_ rage and a will to protect his little brother, one so strong, that the same evil fire had sizzled from his clenched fists, and danced to his command; he had sent the fire right at the thug's faces, grabbed Bolin, and ran, not thinking twice about it.

Only later that night, as he stared at his trembling hands, did it hit him; he was a _firebender._

But he wasn't proud or even happy like his younger self would have been; he tried to imagine a younger him dancing around their house, yelling, showing his power to anyone who would take time to look. And he realized that that boy wasn't him anymore.

He didn't want the fire anymore. He could make the same power that had killed Mommy and Daddy. He was just _him_-The Monster.

How was he supposed to protect Bolin, and keep them both alive, if he was afraid of himself?

He could have to fight the fear. They would die if he couldn't.

Their parents had had no bending, but one of the few memories he can remember, is his father telling him about his grandfather who had passed before he was born, how he had been a powerful bender, how he had said that during the war, fire was fouled by _anger _and _hatred_, and how Avatar Aang and Firelord Zuko had changed all that, transformed what it meant to be a firebender into being powered by _passion, ambition, drive, protection._ Those were the things, his father had told his six-year-old self, that if he or his brother ever were a firebender one day, that those were what they had to remember when bending, and to never forget the life that the heat can give.

_"Do you understand, my darling?"_ his father had looked him in the eyes- amber to amber- and said lovingly_-"It doesn't matter to mommy or me if you or Bo become benders or not; we will love you just the same. But I need you to know, you are not only Fire Nation, you are also part Earth Kingdom. You boys are two halves of proud heritages, and whether the Earth or the Fire speak to either of you, doesn't define who you are- it is what you do with it that counts. So you must always remember; fire is life, it is passion and ambition, drive and protection, not those evil tales of suffering where our ancestors used it wrongly. The Spirits see us all-very person, every Nation- as one. That is what it means to bend life in the palm of your hand. Do you promise to never forget my words, sweet heart?"_

_"Yes, Daddy! I promise!"_ He smiled and giggled as his father embraced him, _"I'll be the bestest firebender ever! Better than Firelord Zuko – or …or a dragon!"_

_"A _dragon_?"_ his father laughed, "_You mean like me? RAAAWWWWRRR!" _His father began to tickle him and Mako squealed and giggled in his grasp.

"_Hahahahaha! D-d-daddy! SHHH! Stop! Ahhh! Hahaha! M-mommy and- and B-bolin are still sleeping! You're gonnna- hahaha - g-g-gonna wake them up!"_

"_You have to say "please!"_

_"P-please!"_

And he stopped and let his son catch his breath as he placed a big, slimy, kiss on his cheek.

_"Daddy?"_

_"Yes, turtle-duck?"_

_"I love you forever."_

_"I love you more. Your mother and I will always love you forever and be here for you no matter what."_

_"Do you think me and Bolin will be firebenders one day? We can have Agni...Ag-agpi...those big duel things..."_

_"'_Agni Kais,'" he corrected, "_and I'm not sure yet. The Spirits could bless you both with Earthbending for all I know. Or you both could be non-benders like your mother and I. But I know you both will be incredible." _

He had forgotten. He had broken his promise. He had shamed his father. And while he did have drive and ambition to protect his brother and him and survive, there was no passion, no_ life_ to it- the hatred and anger had overcome him, consumed his life and drive and made him into a twisted, bitterly fueled flame that ate away anything that dared to cross its path. Everything he had promised his father and himself to never be. Wasn't that a reason why he had took the scarf and always wore it?

For the countless time, he was eternally grateful that his brother didn't have to suffer this internal struggle or feel he had let his father down. He wanted to be _earth-_ he wanted to be sturdy so no one could knock him down; he wanted to be as damn resilient as Bolin was, he wanted to through boulders at thugs instead of picturing himself as that _monster_ of a mugger every time he lit his hands ablaze. He wanted to forget all those times where he had accidently burnt Bolin; gasps of pain and reddened flesh, fallowed by tears and a thousand desperate apologize and bandages on his part. He wanted to bury himself in the ground and just stay there for awhile so no one could ever find him.

But mostly, he wanted to be _free_ like Bolin was,_ free_ of this curse that the fire gave him.

…..For the countless time in the last ten years, he stares at his blazing fingertips with a mixture of awe and anguish, pride and self-loathing, all burning together in the pit of his stomach, each spark like a beat of his heart, breaking, breaking, breaking….

He found himself saying, his eyes getting damp, "You lied to me, Poppa. You _lied. _You told me fire was life and warmth, but it's not! Why didn't you tell me fire was death!? That's how you died, isn't it? Did you know? Did you know that's how you and Mom were gonna die!? Were you afraid I was going to turn out to be an angry, bitter firebender that only used fire as a way to vent my pain? Well, guess what? Maybe I am! Maybe I don't deserve to be a firebender! And I hate it_, I hate it so much_, I wish I couldn't bend a thing! Everytime I do, all I can see is how you and mom looked after the "warmth of life" burned you to death! So what do you say to that, huh!?" he found himself yelling now, his pain filled screaming echoing though the empty attic, "Your stories were lies! I don't feel a sliver of Earth Kingdom in me! I'm no better than a killer who fought in the war! I-" And he stopped when he heard footsteps coming up to the attic. Holding his breath, waiting for the inevitable that was going to be his concerned brother finding him in this hopeless state.

"Mako!?" Bolin sounded frantic, "Are you okay? I heard you yelling really loud! What's wrong?" And his little brother knelt down to his level where he was huddled on the couch, put his strong hands on his heaving shoulders, "Why are you crying?….Mako, what is it?"

"Bo….Bo…" he mumbled, his tears streaming from quivering eyes.

"Shhh….I'm here…I'm here, Mako, it's okay…." And Mako felt himself being pulled in close for a hug, his head, buried in Bolin's chest, Bolin's fingers stroking his hair like he does for him.

"No, it's not okay. Nothing is ever gonna be okay again…" he closed his eyes tight, trying to will it all away. He was so ashamed, so, so ashamed.

"Shhh…It's okay, big brother," the earthbender soothed gently, "Tell me what happened."

Mako swallowed the lump in his throat. "I-I…I _forgot_…." He whispered.

"What?" Bolin asked gently, eyebrows scrunched together in concern, "You forgot what made you cry?"

"No.. I-I forgot…I _forgot_, Bolin! I promised I would never forget and I broke the promise! I forgot! I can't remember anymore…I forgot, I forgot…It's all my fault…I _forgot_…" Mako's eyes screwed shut, more sobs coming from his throat, and he felt Bolin's embrace on him tighten.

He felt Bolin swallow, "What did you forget?" his brother's voice was scared, soft with concern and comfort.

"I forgot…" Mako whispered, "I forgot how to give my fire the warmth of life. I forgot what it meant to feel alive."


End file.
